Remember how I said: “I don’t waste my time obsessing over the fact that my time is running out and instead embrace what remains.” Well, that was me speaking too soon. Most of the sentiment of that post remains, however, the reality and gravity of the situation snuck up on me quite unexpectedly. Hearing Randy’s aunt argue with him that “she got accepted to Russia! You have this much time left! This much! And you want to spend it with those goons?” quite unexpectedly set me off. While normally I really would not have much cared and would have understood him wanting to hang out with his friends (and indeed, I do still understand), having heard her say that made me realize that I really don’t have that much time left.

But, instead of letting myself obsess over it and allow it to consume my every thought and emotion, I have decided (just now) to turn the energy toward valuing every day I have and all the people that fill it, even if I’m not with them at the second — it’s heartening enough to know that they are nearby and there if I absolutely need them. And I have realized now that preparing for this journey won’t all be easy and natural, that I will have to take these days where I realize how little time I have and turn them into something positive rather than let them take control of everything I think and feel.

And I’ve already found myself taking some of my friend Nicole’s words to heart:

“So, then in a purposeful, healthy way, we must PUSH ourselves. If we can see our strength in the scary, unbelievably painful times, if we MUST be strong enough to survive in those cases, then we can foresee ourselves being strong enough to thrive in others. We will jump on opportunities that will lead to our betterment, be them daunting because we know we are capable of facing the challenge and succeeding! And in the case the we fail, or perhaps less than succeed, we know we are strong enough to handle that, too.”

“It is okay to be scared totally shitless! I’d even go so far as saying being scared makes the rewards even more worthwhile and makes discovering the strength in your core even more meaningful. I think there is a way to allow fear, or rather channel fear in a way that will move you forward rather than hold you back. I think fear is very powerful, and people use it manipulate or to justify, but I think the power can be used differently, for good and self-betterment. So, keep that in the back of your mind. I have a dove wrapper stuck on my desk that says “Be Fearless,” and I keep it to remind myself, not necessarily to have no fears, but to take risks in spite of fear.“

So here’s to taking risks in spite of my fear.