We all have to come to a point where we have to be honest with ourselves. Someday or another, we have to throw away the ideals we’ve built up over the years of how our lives should be and how they shouldn’t and accept our lives for how they are.

I had a breakdown of ideals and expectations this weekend while sitting on the hillside of the Gorge, listening to Blue Scholars.

I realized I don’t want to go to Russia.

I realized how downright miserable I would be. And I realized that if I spend my time longing, pining and wishing I was back home with Randy that I won’t be able to enjoy myself or learn much of anything at all.

I realized Randy is who and what I want to bet on for now.

Russia will always be there if this bet is bad. But if I leave and we break up, then I’ve wasted time away from him rather than together and wondering if it would have been different if I had stayed would destroy me.

The truth is, I can still get the education I want here in Washington. Maybe it won’t be as authentic, but it will still be a solid education. And looking back, I only looked at Russia to begin with because the University of Washington is the only school in the state that offers Russian Area Studies, and the very idea of UW disgusted me. But I’ve moved past that now.

After almost a year of having a “real” job, I realize that I could care less about the social environment of college or the “atmosphere.” I just want a degree and then I want to move on with my life.

I want things settled. I don’t want to be in limbo anymore. I’m ready to be done with this transition phase.

There are still people I need to talk to about this. My mom and two of my friends, namely, before I make a solid decision, but I really just want to put my chips with Randy.

And this realization has been a long time coming. While I’ve been bullshitting myself, I’ve been shoving these thoughts to the back, darkened depths of my mind, hoping to be able to ignore them. But that coping mechanism only works for so long.

Do either Randy or I know exactly where we’re going? No. But finding out, and giving us the best possible shot, is what matters most to me. I used to think that a career would be the most important achievement in my life, that finding a personally fulfilling job would make my life worthwhile — but what good is it without someone to share it with?

And I can still have both. My career might not work out as perfectly and my education might not be as cheap as it could have been in Russia, but sometimes you have to follow your heart.

And mine is with Randy.