The law of self-destruction and the law of self-preservation are equally strong in mankind!
— Fyodor Dostoevsky; The Idiot, page 375

I stumbled across that quote a year ago. It instantly became one of my favorite quotes mostly because it was such a wonderful parallel, and with the story, it made perfect sense. But I’m finding more and more that the sentiment applies in multiple arenas, and quite frequently at that.

Most recently, however, it has shed more light on what I wrote about perspectives and attitudes about life, namely:

In the end, I think there are only two views on life — positive and negative. [... I]t’s just about how you view the unexpected changes, disappointments and general developments in your life. Do you look at the challenging things in life as a chance to build your character and recognize that you have the power to manipulate the situation to your benefit, or do you look at them and only focus on the fact that your plans, your hopes, your dreams have been destroyed and grumble all along the way as you set yourself on a new path?

This concept of “optimism” and “pessimism” in practice really becomes a question of whether you’re letting the law of self-preservation or self-destruction take control in your life. I have a friend dealing with a fairly traumatic situation right now. The catch is, however, that she has been “dealing” with it for the last seven months. Instead of looking out for herself and finding ways to remedy the situation to her benefit, she has chosen instead to spin her wheels on the sadness of the event that is now more than half a year past. In her fierce determination to hold onto what is gone, she has forgone or flat out refused to take the steps necessary to truly move on and grow.

Why? Because rather than prune the people out of her life that are truly hindering her, she’d rather self-destruct, just so long as that person is still in her life in some capacity - even, it seems, if the majority of his impact is pain. This is not to say that self-preservation at the cost of the well-being of those around you is the proper thing to do, either, but you are no good to anyone else unless you are stable and mentally and emotionally healthy.

You can’t trust others until you can trust yourself. You can’t love others until you can love yourself. You can’t have faith in others until you have complete faith in yourself. Once you have those three things, you realize that no one else can control your happiness. Once you have those three things, whenever you get in a relationship, it can be because you want someone, not because you need them to survive and feel whole. And I know that might not sound like love, but its the truest form there is, I think — choosing to be with someone not because you have to be dependent, but because you choose to be dependent (while still keeping a strong sense of who you are).

I think that some people are born with the natural tendency to self-preserve, while others are born with the natural tendency to self-destruct. And if they are not born with it, then they learn it early in their environments. Whatever the case, it is important to learn to self-preserve, though not whatever the cost. If you still have value to add to a friendship or relationship, especially with someone who needs it — you should add it. However, should the emotional strain and cost of maintaining the friendship or relationship far outstrip its value, it’s time to prune and make yourself grow so you can help someone else.

The best part? You can always revisit those pruned friendships later — people will always surprise you. Especially the ones who figure out how to use the law of self-preservation to their greatest advantage.