I had an emotional breakdown tonight, which is highly ironic considering my last post. But, like all of my emotional breakdowns, it seemed to be pushed along by a little hormone called estrogen. And, also like all of my emotional breakdowns, a result of something rather important that I have chosen to ignore. Last time, it was how much more important Randy was to me than Russia, and this time it was just how much people stress me out and completely exhaust me.

I moved out and 35 minutes away from my parent’s house on June 24. Since then, I have been driving the 35 minute commute to work Monday through Friday, and at least two days in the work week, commuting 40 minutes to Randy and then after several hours, 35 minutes back home. That in itself would not be all that bad at all, except for the fact that visiting Randy doesn’t mean just visiting Randy… it means visiting the majority of his family.

As an introvert, I need space. I don’t deal with lots of people for extended periods of time well. At all. Especially when there’s drama around. And lately there has been more than enough to go around in that family. Two weeks ago I felt myself losing energy and patience. Two weeks ago I should have stepped back and taken a break. But I kept pushing forward. Seeing Randy was more important, I told myself. Mind over matter, right?

Wrong. It all blew up in my face tonight. Aided by a wonderful feminine phenomenon known as the menstrual cycle, I broke down over having to drive Randy and one of his friends somewhere when I only wanted to drive Randy. As I drove off with them in the car in complete annoyance, I, being out of touch with my feelings, had to ask myself what exactly it was that had me so ticked off. The answer, I found, was that Randy’s friend being in the car meant that I drove out to him to have no time alone with him. Not even twenty minutes. Twenty minutes would have been enough, would have sustained me enough to keep my head up enough to go to his house and say hello and be sociable with his sister and aunt who just flew in today.

But instead, I lost it.

All the frustration centered around people that has been building for more than a month overflowed after Trevor got out of the car. But, even though I was frustrated, and even though I was being frustrating to Randy, he stuck around. He listened. He heard me. He understood.

I don’t think that I have ever really had anyone who has understood me as completely as Randy does before. Not even my two best friends. Because not only does Randy understand why I act the way I do and say the things I say, but he knows how to remedy the situation. He knows how to bring me back to center when my bottled emotions reach their peak and he knows how to divert my thoughts when they overwhelm me.

More importantly, he is the only person I have ever let myself be truly vulnerable with. He is the only person I have been me 100%, no apologies with. And that is so important. I don’t have to always be the strong one. I don’t always have to be the dependable one — I can depend on someone else for a change. For me, someone who takes great pride in my own independence, being able to let myself depend on someone else for anything is huge.

I got home to find this in my inbox:

Well tonight was another one of those nights where i was supposed to be there for you but wasn’t really, but here is what i am going to say. Nothing you do makes me feel as if you are going to leave me, hate me, not want to be with me. Yes sometimes when this stuff happens i feel as if it is towards me, cause even though it may not be aimed towards me, I am the one with you all the time (which i love cause you are my love and will always be) and i end up getting your frustration pushed out onto me. I know soooo much that that is the last thing you want to do, but as people its natural that when one is upset someone around them usually one they love is going to get the punishment. Now talking helps makes me cry, but it does help and it lets Me and You understand what is going on. Now we started dating 2 years and 12 days ago, I had no idea that it was going to be this good. and that we would end up married (not yet but soon) the first year was tough trying to get to know you, finding out what you like, if you like to mess around, how far we could push things, then the second year came around, you didn’t go to Dickinson’s, and there were some other things in there that i wasn’t actually helpful with, Casie for a major one. but there were others. but it was easier i felt comfortable with you and your family i still do. A little more than 2 years ago i made a decision to break up with megan and to start dating you… I know now that that was the best decision ever. I am glad we made it this far and have many more years to come… I Love You with everything and hope we have a great life together

Your Love Randy James

I know he’s not comfortable with words, especially writing them. But to come home to that — that made all the frustration and all of my impatience with people and the entire emotional breakdown worth it. Reestablishing just how much we care about each other and how much we understand and appreciate each other. That’s what matters most.