When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty.
— The Gospel of Thomas, saying 3

Last week I picked up a book called The Gnostic Bible. I’ve been intrigued by gnosticism for several months now after watching a discovery channel special on it. A year and a half ago, I formally “denounced” the Christian faith. Not out of spite. Not out of rebellion. But because I was tired of going through the motions. I was tired of trying to hide parts of who I was, and I was tired of trying to make some of my beliefs just go away. And I couldn’t believe that this one religion was the Only Way. It seems so random, so much like a lottery.

Since then, I’ve been exploring. For the better part of the last year and a half, that has come down to exploring myself — who I am and what I believe. And I have found that the two are inextricable. I did not have morals because I was a Christian, I have morals because I believe all people should be treated with dignity. My morals, however, are not defined by a rigid codex of beliefs, but are defined by who I have come to realize myself to be. My moral code is now much more expansive and specific than it ever was when I was a Christian.

Before, my “morals” were that of every other Christian in the neighborhood, the ten commandments and a score of other codes I lived by for no other reason than I was told to. Around sixteen, that started to wear thin. I need reasons for things. Without reason, rules are meaningless. After I removed myself from “the faith,” I was able to explore those reasons without guilt, without shame, and in so doing, really come to terms with and understand who I am.

The crazy thing is, this journey into myself — who I am, what I believe, what my morals are, what I live by — has made me feel more at peace with the world, myself and with god than being a Christian ever did. Crazier still, I, a classic closeted “doubting Thomas” who was never able to really have faith in much of anything, now have faith in what is, what was and what is to come. I can’t directly control what happens tomorrow, so why worry about it? I can’t change what happened yesterday, so why be sad about it? Instead, I look at the past as something full of lessons, no matter how hard, and the future as an opportunity for more lessons — for more personal growth and discovery. And the present is the intersection of the two. Understanding who I am in the moment is just as dependent on understanding who I was as well as who I want to be and who I will be.

In the Secret Book of John the savior or revealer announces that she or he will teach “what is, what was, and what is to come,” and in the Book of Thomas the revealer commands, “Examine yourself and understand who you are, how you exist, and you will come to be.” To attain this knowledge—to become a gnostic—is to know oneself, god, and everything. Or, in the words of the maxim [...] gnothi sauton, “Know yourself.” According to many of these sacred texts, to know oneself truly is to attain this mystical knowledge, and to attain this mystical knowledge is to know oneself truly. Gnostic knowledge, then, relies on the lived mystical experience, on knowledge of the whole time line of the world, past, present, and future, and on knowledge of the self—where we have come from, who we are, where we are going—and of the soul’s journey.
— Marvin Meyer, The Gnostic Bible

That is why gnosticism is so interesting to me. Without realizing it, I have already embarked on that path. It is a subtle, yet important variant of mainstream Christianity. Christ, rather than saving us from the sinfulness of this world, offers an example of enlightenment — how one knows god completely by knowing themselves fully. He offers, instead, salvation from the world of the ignorant, the masses who walk through life as if drunk, not caring about anything more than the ephemeral pleasures this world has to offer. Yeshua (the Aramaic form of Jesus) offers us another path, a more fulfilling path — a path full of real life and models an unmediated relationship with god.

Yeshua is, therefore, not god incarnate in man, but an example of one who recognizes that we are created in god’s image, and therefore all have a spark of the divine inside us, waiting to be brought to life. The Gospel of Thomas says, “Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me. I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to that one.” With this subtle change, for me, at least, the Jesus story (and others like it) become much more inspiring and far less dreary. Rather than focusing on our inherent “sinful” nature (which is an idea I denounce — I do not hold to the idea that we are all inherently evil, but rather that we are all born ignorant. Evil cannot be changed, ignorance can.), gnosticism focuses on the power of the individual to know god fully by knowing themselves fully — by knowing every fault, every strength, every tendency; by recognizing who you were, who you are, and who you will be.

There is so much more power in that. So much more hope. Instead of changing our lifestyle in order to change ourselves, we acknowledge our present condition and focus on improving ourselves.

While I am excited to finally come upon a belief system that applies to my life, I do not for one moment expect for others to believe in this way. In the end, I truly believe that my beliefs are not that much different from a mainstream Christian’s — the end is the same, knowing god and living a full life in him, it is the means that differ.

Gnosticism was snuffed out by the literalists — those who preferred to interpret the bible concretely. It is no wonder that the more abstract form was shunned and persecuted. According to Myers-Briggs, concrete personalities make up 85% of the population, while those who communicate and understand things more when presented abstractly only comprise 15% of the population. I cannot believe that god would present himself only either concretely or abstractly. If he created us in his image, then he is both concrete and abstract. I also believe firmly that his prime desire is for us to enter into a relationship with him. If you are concrete, then by all means, relate to him concretely. But if you are abstract, then please, relate to him in that manner. The key, I believe, is relating to him. Finding some way to find this god who created us, who gave us this spark for the divine — this desire to know what is beyond our mental capacities.