Growing up, I have always felt more masculine than feminine, and numerous personality tests I have taken over the years have showed me skewing more toward testosterone tendencies than estrogen (but whether that’s a reflection of my personal perception of myself or reality is another question entirely). I cannot recall ever being distraught by this. However, finding my role in society and, in my relationship with Randy, has taken more time and been more difficult. And as my priorities and goals shift more toward building my own successful family, I find these questions to find their way more to the forefront than before.

I am rational by nature. I do not feel my way out of situations, I analyze them to death and make the best decision I can. If I sense that I might be feeling, I analyze the feeling, always doubting its relevance and correctness.

As a child, I never once imagined my adult life as a stay-at-home mom — never to the discredit of those female friends of mine who pursued such goals, but simply because I could not imagine sitting at home all day with children, when I could be out doing something. Of course, now I see that the two are inherently the same thing, and with my growing maternal instincts and desires I find myself struggling between longing to provide for my family and contribute to society (because that is essentially what I see working to be) and longing to nurture my family and thereby as well contribute to society (by introducing new, hard-working, upstanding individuals).

After getting laid off from my position as a junior interaction designer at a local voice recognition software company in October, my desire to have children and start a family has inexplicably (and scarily!) grown. There’s no need to worry — my rationality prevails and Randy and I will not be pursuing this for at least another four or five years. But, this fact is an important backdrop to my post-layoff deliberations on what I want to do with my life in a career sense. As time wore on, I realized that if I am going to work and spend weekdays away from my future children, I want it to be for a job that matters and a job that I am passionate about.

My dad was laid off from his company of ten years back in my sophomore year of high school. I remember the lead up to it well — dad hated his boss and hated his job. In the months that he was searching for a new job, mom tried to coax him into changing careers … maybe try being a math teacher, and he joked about opening a bike shop or coffee stand. But, six or nine months later, he had a job in the same industry, and he hates it just as much as before. I swore to myself that I would not let that happen to me. We try so hard and we care so much about being successful and taking care of our families financially that we forget what it means to be happy and whole. And I don’t want that for my family. Stability is nice and has its place, but passion and a deep-seated desire to do what you do every day I think is so much more valuable, not to mention inspiring.

And so I have decided to pursue Russian Area Studies once more. Where will it take me? Perhaps a job in the government in some capacity. Maybe translating Russian media, movies or books. I don’t know. But I do know that I’ve avoided risks enough to owe this to myself. Russia has been my one prevailing academic love. It would be foolish to leave it behind and ignore it. It is a sacrifice I am not willing to make.

The funny thing, though, is that I made this decision not on the basis of me. It was entirely based on my children who aren’t anywhere near on the scene. It’s a strange thing when your life is no longer predicated on just you. But, it’s even more strange to find what a liberating feeling it is after all. Knowing that I have Randy to back me and help me through the best and the worst of times no matter what — it seems I can do anything — even be a working, nurturing mom, and finally find the balance between my masculine and feminine instincts.