No, I’m not gay. But I’m not Christian.
It’s an inward battle I’ve been having for months now, starting when my friend left for Germany, continuing when she returned, no longer a believer with my other best friend following in her footsteps. The battle was heightened when a classmate died in December.
I find it hard to believe that Christianity is right and all the other religions in the world are wrong. I find it hard to believe or accept that what we do on earth does not matter to God unless we profess to believe Jesus is Lord and Savior. I do not believe that the Supreme Being who created this earth would have us fight over his/her definition. I do not believe that thousands of cultures across history and place would have created a God if one did not exist and I believe that all the Gods ‘created’ by each culture are the same God in different forms.
I cannot accept that the Supreme Being who created this world would have our eternal souls and their destinations determined by our parent’s beliefs and our birthplace. It is not fair for someone born in the Middle East to be at a disadvantage because the main religion in the region there is Islam and not Christianity.
Do I believe if there is a Heaven or Hell? I don’t know. I almost prefer there is neither. All I want is Enlightenment—to understand the mysteries of the earth. All I want when I die is peace in knowing that I was the best human being I could possibly be.
I no longer subscribe to a philosophy that promotes divisions among people based on something so petty as religion when the basics are the same—a God that loves us and wants to take care of us. Why do we fight to the death over the specifics? Isn’t the big picture what matters most? Humans have been overcomplicating things for centuries—I think it’s entirely possible that we have overcomplicated this one.
I am not an atheist—I believe a god exists. I am not an agnostic, because I am not merely a skeptic. I might be a relativist. I truthfully don’t know what my label or classification is. I believe in human goodness and an inherent desire to do what is right. I believe that is God-given. I believe that some people, based on their surroundings, get twisted and confused. I do not believe in blacks and whites, but shades of grey in between. The world is not solid lines, but blurred instances.
I still pray to God—whoever he may be. I still sing songs of praise. But do I subscribe to a specific set of values and call that my definition of spirituality? No. I do not define my level of spirituality by my ability to follow rules, but by my capacity to love and be fair-minded.
God is a part of me. He is a part of all of us. Islam or Christian. Buddhist or Hindu. Or any other religion out there—it does not matter in the end. All these religions believe in a God—why fight over the insignificant instead of rejoicing in what we share?
2 comments
March 18, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Stephanie
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(ooh, layout comeback!)
I think this post is good exploration between logic and emotion and how a god plays a part in that and I think I’ve been writing an essay all day so let me try this again.
I agree. I wasn’t born into a religious family and a few years ago I was really interested in paganism — you know, just ’cause there were witches. However, at this point in my (short) life, I agree a lot with what you say here. I do believe in a god, no matter how little I believe in one. No matter how before I didn’t really care, or was atheist, or whatever. How little religion played in my life. I’ve always had a “thing” against Christianity though: a lot because of some things you’ve written about here.
And, anyway, I’m just glad to read something like this, an exploratory post about religion/god/spirituality and have someone come out and SAY that we don’t need a religion to believe in a god, or to associate ourselves with a religion to believe in that god… etc. Back to essay!
March 18, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Elyse
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(yeah– I like this one best– it inspires me to write the most, and I suppose that’s what matters the most in the end.)
haha– I’ve been writing an essay all day too, so I completely understand.
I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember, my mom and her parents took me to church as early as they could. My dad has never been a Christian, however, having had a bad experience with it at his home. Which is why this struggle has been so hard. It has been so ingrained in me to be a Christian that it has been difficult to let go of– add to that all the friends that I have that are Christian and it makes it really hard (even though this is a coming out post, I still have not come out to the people it would actually shock).
I’ve had a growing apathy and frustration with Christianity over the years, however. It just seems hypocritical and so unnecessary.
I’ve been looking for a while for another religion/label to associate with and I’m beginning to think that I don’t need one. It’s the religion that I’m against in the first place. What I want, what I always enjoyed about church, was people with similar views to commune with. And I think that means I’ll just have to look for people.
Good luck with the essay and your own spiritual journey!