Below is my most recent response to an email thread with former Christian mentor following a revelation of my recent personal discovery, detailed in Coming Out of the Closet.
Here I have to admit something to you:
From young child to now, I have had problems with the idea of Jesus being God incarnate. I have always been more God-centered than Jesus centered. I never prayed to Jesus, I never really talked about Jesus. God was who I talked about, because God was who mattered. I don’t know what it is about Jesus as a diety is so hard for me to accept, but it is.
I’m not thinking about formal religion or other people’s opinions for the first time in my life. For the first time in my life I am being 100% honest with myself and admitting to myself what I’ve known for years: that I don’t have the faith. I have the ability to fake it, but faking something is tiring and I am sick of pretending to be someone, to be something that I’m not.
Maybe I have a hard time believing in miracles. I don’t know what it is. I find my fulfillment, and always have, more in books and in what I can learn about life, the world, the universe and about others more than I found fulfillment in reading the Bible, praying or going to church. Those three things were always temporary, all the former are permanent, are who I am.
I am sorry if I have disappointed you, I’m sorry that I’m not the person you thought I was. I respect you more than words can express and I hope that this does not change our relationship. I don’t know that I am expressing or explaining why I feel the way I do effectively or not yet, but that is because I’m still working it out. I’m still asking the questions. I don’t have all the answers yet, and who knows, I might end up back where I started. I’m open to all possibilities—and that includes having or subscribing to no particular or popularized faith at all.
Should it end up that I find identity in me and my spirituality and perceived connection with god, so be it. Should it be finding identity in Christ (I would say again, but let’s be honest) for the first time, then so be it.
But at this point, nothing you can say can persuade me one way or the other. It’s nothing personal, I’ve just let others dictate my opinions and beliefs for far too long.
It’s my turn.
Elyse